10 Ways to Rekindle Romance in a Long-Term Marriage
- Joao Nsita
- Sep 27
- 19 min read
A long-term marriage is a beautiful tapestry woven from shared memories, inside jokes, and a deep, comforting familiarity. It's a testament to a love that has endured life's myriad challenges. Yet, within that comfort and familiarity, it’s not uncommon for the vibrant, fiery colours of early romance to soften into more muted, everyday shades. The thrilling unpredictability of new love can give way to the predictable rhythms of domestic life, and the once-passionate lovers can find themselves functioning more like efficient co-CEOs of a household. This slow fade of romance is not a sign of failure; it is a common and natural phase in the life cycle of a long-term partnership.
The desire to recapture that spark, however, is a powerful and hopeful one. On social media platforms like TikTok and Pinterest, a new and inspiring conversation about long-term love is unfolding. The trends are moving beyond the generic advice of "buy lingerie and roses" and into a more nuanced and holistic approach to rekindling connection. We’re seeing a focus on "intentional dating," the power of "novelty" to reignite passion, and the importance of "emotional intimacy" as the true bedrock of physical romance. The modern approach to rekindling a marriage is about rediscovering the person you fell in love with, and more importantly, introducing them to the person you are today.
This guide is a deep dive into 10 meaningful, actionable, and fun ways to rekindle the romance in your long-term marriage. We will count them down in descending order, moving from playful experiments to the foundational practices that can reignite the flame. This is not about recreating the past, but about creating a new, more mature, and even deeper chapter of romance that is built on the strong foundation of your shared history. It’s an invitation to turn towards your partner with fresh eyes, an open heart, and a renewed sense of adventure.
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10. The "First Date" Role Play
(Image: A couple dressed up and meeting at a bar, looking at each other with a mix of nervousness and excitement.)
The Vibe: Over the years, you've accumulated a vast library of knowledge about each other. You know their coffee order, their pet peeves, and the story they always tell at dinner parties. This ritual is about intentionally setting all of that knowledge aside for one night and attempting to see each other as strangers once again. The "First Date" role play is a fun, slightly theatrical exercise in novelty and rediscovery. It’s about breaking out of your familiar roles and re-introducing yourselves, remembering the thrill of the unknown that characterized your early courtship.
Why It Rekindles Romance: This practice directly combats the "familiarity breeds contempt" (or, more often, "familiarity breeds complacency") pitfall of long-term relationships. According to relationship experts, introducing novelty and playfulness can reignite the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine in a way that is similar to the early stages of falling in love. By pretending to be strangers, you are forced to ask different questions, to listen more actively, and to see your partner outside the context of your shared history and responsibilities. It’s a powerful way to shake up your dynamic and remember the intriguing, captivating person you were first drawn to. The playful nature of this activity is a great way to reconnect, a theme we explore in our guide on Planning the Perfect Romantic Weekend Getaway.
How to Implement It:
Set the Scene: Choose a neutral location, like a hotel bar or a restaurant you’ve never been to before. Arrive separately.
Create a Character (Optional): You can go all-in and create new names and backstories for yourselves, or you can simply agree to approach the conversation as if you know nothing about each other.
Ask "First Date" Questions: Avoid talking about the kids, the mortgage, or the leaky faucet. Instead, ask the kinds of questions you would on a real first date: "What are you passionate about?" "What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?" "What’s a dream you have for the future?"
Stay in Character: Try to maintain the role play for as long as you can. Enjoy the flirtation, the mystery, and the fun of getting to "meet" this fascinating person all over again. The fun of creating a new narrative is a theme often seen in romance novels, like the one we reviewed in Only Between Us by Ellie K. Wilde.
9. Curate a Shared "Memory Lane" Experience
(Image: A couple sitting together on the floor, looking through an old photo album and laughing.)
The Vibe: While the "First Date" role play is about forgetting the past, this ritual is about intentionally and joyfully diving right into it. A "Memory Lane" experience is a curated journey back through your shared history. It’s about actively reminiscing and celebrating the story you have built together. This isn't just a passive scroll through old photos; it’s an immersive activity designed to reconnect you with the positive emotions and pivotal moments of your relationship.
Why It Rekindles Romance: Reminiscing about positive shared experiences is a powerful tool for strengthening your bond. It reinforces your shared identity as a couple and reminds you of all the challenges you have overcome and the joy you have created together. According to psychological research, nostalgia can increase feelings of social connectedness and make us feel more optimistic about the future. When you relive the feelings of your first date, your wedding day, or a favourite vacation, you are re-activating the neural pathways associated with those happy, romantic emotions. This practice is a powerful reminder of your "why"—why you chose each other in the first place. The celebration of these milestones is so important, a topic we cover in our guide to Celebrating Your First Wedding Anniversary.
How to Implement It:
The Relationship Soundtrack: Spend an evening creating a shared playlist. Each of you should add songs that represent a significant moment in your relationship: the song that was playing when you first met, your wedding song, a song from a memorable road trip. Listen to it together and share the stories behind your choices.
The Photo Album Deep Dive: Pull out your old photo albums or scroll back to the very beginning of your digital photo library. Look through the photos together and talk about the memories.
Recreate a Favourite Date: Try to recreate one of your first or most memorable dates as closely as possible, whether it was a simple pizza night or a trip to a specific place.
Watch Your Wedding Video: Make a special occasion out of watching your wedding video or looking through your wedding album. For more on creating a special wedding day, you can explore our guide, Let’s Get This Party Started: A Guide to Creating a Fun Wedding Reception.
8. Schedule a "No Agenda" Day of Quality Time
(Image: A couple enjoying a simple, unplanned day, perhaps lying in the grass in a park or walking on a beach.)
The Vibe: In a long-term marriage, most of the time you spend together is structured and purposeful: running errands, attending family events, managing the household. A "No Agenda" day is the radical act of blocking out an entire day to simply be together, with no plans, no goals, and no to-do lists. It’s about waking up and asking, "What do we feel like doing right now?" It’s a day dedicated to spontaneity, presence, and the simple joy of each other’s company.
Why It Rekindles Romance: This practice directly combats the feeling of being "co-managers" and allows you to reconnect as "partners in life." By removing the pressure of a schedule, you create space for spontaneous connection and conversation to emerge. It gives you the freedom to follow your whims, which can lead to unexpected adventures and a renewed sense of fun. This kind of unstructured quality time is one of the highest forms of expressing love for those whose love language is, well, Quality Time. It sends a powerful message that your relationship is more important than your to-do list.
How to Implement It:
Protect the Time: Choose a day on the calendar (a weekend day or a day off work) and mark it as your "No Agenda Day." Protect this day fiercely from other obligations.
The Morning Huddle: When you wake up, have a coffee together and talk about what you both feel like doing. The only rule is that it has to be something you both genuinely want to do.
Embrace Simplicity: The goal is not to have an epic adventure (unless you want to!). It could be as simple as spending the morning reading in bed, followed by a walk to a bakery, and then an afternoon nap.
Be Present: The most important rule is to put away distractions. This is a day to be present with each other, not with your phones. The power of being present is a key to all healthy relationships, a theme we explore in our review of the moving series This Is Us.
7. Learn Something New Together
(Image: A couple in a class together, perhaps a dance class or a language class, looking at each other and smiling.)
The Vibe: Learning a new skill together is a powerful and dynamic way to inject new energy into your relationship. It pulls you out of your comfort zones and places you on equal footing as beginners. Whether you’re learning to tango, cook Thai food, throw pottery, or speak a new language, the act of learning together creates a shared goal and a unique bonding experience. It’s about moving from a place of comfortable expertise in your own lives to a place of shared vulnerability and mutual encouragement.
Why It Rekindles Romance: As mentioned earlier, novelty is a key ingredient in reigniting romantic feelings. Learning a new skill is a potent form of novelty. It forces you to communicate in new ways, to rely on each other for support, and to celebrate small successes together. The shared struggle and eventual triumph of mastering a new skill can be an incredibly powerful bonding experience. It creates a new, shared interest that is separate from your daily routine and gives you something new and exciting to talk about and practice together. This kind of shared goal-setting is a key component of many successful partnerships, a dynamic we explore in our list of 30 Relationship Goals for a Stronger Connection.
How to Implement It:
Brainstorm Your Interests: Make a list of skills or hobbies that you’ve both expressed a casual interest in over the years.
Find a Class or Workshop: Look for local community centre classes, workshops, or even online courses that you can do together. You can find a huge variety of local classes on websites like ClassBento.
Commit to the Process: The goal isn't to become an expert overnight. The goal is to enjoy the process of learning and growing together. Laugh at your mistakes and celebrate your progress. The shared experience is the prize.
Bring the Skill Home: If you take a cooking class, plan a night to recreate the meal at home. If you take a dance class, practice your moves in the living room.
6. Re-introduce Flirtatious Communication
(Image: A phone screen showing a playful, flirty text message between a couple.)
The Vibe: In a long-term marriage, communication can become almost entirely logistical: "Did you pick up the milk?" "Who is taking the kids to practice?" "The plumber is coming on Tuesday." This ritual is about intentionally re-injecting the playful, flirtatious, and appreciative communication that characterized your early dating life. It’s about remembering to be lovers, not just roommates.
Why It Rekindles Romance: Flirtation and compliments are the verbal equivalent of a spark. They build anticipation, boost self-esteem, and create a sense of desire and specialness in the relationship. A simple, unexpected, flirty text in the middle of a busy workday can completely change the tone of the evening ahead. Regularly complimenting your partner on their appearance, their intelligence, or their sense of humour reminds them that you still see them, that you are still attracted to and impressed by them. It is a direct and powerful way to combat the tendency to take each other for granted. This kind of thoughtful communication is a beautiful way to show affection, a theme we explore in our article 10 Ways to Show Love Without Saying a Word.
How to Implement It:
The Mid-Day Text: Make a habit of sending your partner a text during the day that has nothing to do with logistics. It could be a simple "Thinking of you," a compliment, an inside joke, or something a little more suggestive.
The Daily Compliment: Make a pact to give each other one genuine, specific compliment each day. "You look really great in that shirt," or "I was so impressed with how you handled that situation at work."
Bring Back the Banter: Re-engage in the playful, teasing banter you used to have. Keep it light and loving.
Write a Note: Leave a small, handwritten note for your partner to find—in their lunch bag, on the bathroom mirror, or on their pillow. The effort of a physical note can feel incredibly romantic. For more on the power of the written word in romance, you can explore the work of authors we've reviewed, like in our take on The Four Engagement Rings of Sybil Rain.
5. Create a "No-Chores, No-Phones" Zone
(Image: A cozy, inviting bedroom with soft lighting, with a clear rule that no phones or laptops are present.)
The Vibe: Our bedrooms, which should be sanctuaries of rest and intimacy, have often become extensions of our offices and entertainment centres. We scroll on our phones until the moment we fall asleep, and the conversation is often about the next day's to-do list. This ritual is about reclaiming the bedroom as a sacred space, reserved only for sleep, intimacy, and connection. It’s about creating a physical boundary that protects your relationship from the endless intrusions of the outside world.
Why It Rekindles Romance: Creating a screen-free, chore-free zone removes the two biggest killers of intimacy: distraction and stress. When you are not looking at your phones, you are forced to look at each other. When you are not discussing the logistics of the next day, you create space for more meaningful, intimate conversation to emerge. This practice can dramatically improve both your emotional connection and your sleep quality. It creates a nightly ritual of connection that can become a cornerstone of your relationship. For more on the importance of sleep hygiene, the NHS offers excellent guidance.
How to Implement It:
Establish the Rule: Have a clear conversation and agree that, from a certain time each night (e.g., 9 PM), there will be no more phones, laptops, or tablets in the bedroom.
Create a Charging Station Elsewhere: Set up a charging station for all your devices in another room, like the kitchen or the living room.
Invest in an Old-Fashioned Alarm Clock: This removes the primary excuse for keeping your phone by your bedside.
Ban "Chore Talk": Make a rule that once you enter the bedroom for the night, there is no more discussion of bills, schedules, or household problems. That conversation can happen earlier in the evening. This practice is a form of setting boundaries, a key skill for a healthy life, which we discuss in our article on Setting Healthy Boundaries.
4. Plan a Surprise (Big or Small)
(Image: A partner looking delighted and surprised by a small, thoughtful gesture, like their favourite meal being cooked for them.)
The Vibe: The element of surprise is a powerful ingredient in the recipe of romance. In a long-term relationship, life can become very predictable. A surprise, even a small one, is a wonderful way to break that predictability and show your partner that you are still thinking of them, that you are still putting in the effort to delight them. This isn't about grand, expensive gestures; it’s about the thoughtfulness and effort behind the surprise.
Why It Rekindles Romance: A surprise is a clear and powerful signal of affection and effort. It tells your partner, "I was thinking about you, and I wanted to do something special just to make you happy." This can create a huge boost in positive feelings and can make your partner feel cherished and seen. The novelty and excitement of a surprise can also help to reignite the spark and bring a sense of adventure back into the relationship. It's a way to create a new, happy memory together. The joy of a thoughtful surprise is a theme often found in heartwarming movies like About Time.
How to Implement It:
Start Small: The best surprises are often simple. Pick up their favourite pastry on your way home from work. Cook their favourite meal on a random Tuesday. Leave a love note in their coat pocket.
Plan a Mystery Date: Tell your partner to keep a specific evening free, but don't tell them what you're doing. Plan a whole evening, from the restaurant to the activity.
Listen for Clues: Pay attention when your partner casually mentions something they want or need. Make a note of it and surprise them with it later.
Give the Gift of Time: One of the best surprises can be taking something off their plate. Arrange for a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves, or do a chore that they normally handle. This kind of thoughtful gesture can be incredibly romantic.
3. Revisit Your Shared Dreams (and Create New Ones)
(Image: A couple sitting together with a map or a notebook, excitedly planning a future trip or project.)
The Vibe: When you first got together, you likely spent hours talking about your dreams for the future—the places you would travel, the life you would build, the people you would become. Over time, the focus can shift to the more immediate, practical goals of the present. This ritual is about intentionally reconnecting with that shared sense of a future. It’s about checking in on old dreams, celebrating the ones you’ve achieved, and, most importantly, creating new, exciting dreams to look forward to together.
Why It Rekindles Romance: A shared future is one of the most powerful things that binds a couple together. Having a common goal or dream to work towards creates a sense of teamwork and shared purpose. It reminds you that your relationship is not just about managing the present, but about building a beautiful future. Looking forward with excitement and anticipation is a powerful antidote to stagnation and can bring a renewed sense of energy and optimism into the relationship. This is a core part of building a life together, a journey we explore in our article on Navigating the First Year of Marriage.
How to Implement It:
The "Dream-Boarding" Date Night: Get some poster board, magazines, and markers, and spend an evening creating a shared vision board for your future. This is a fun, visual way to explore your dreams.
The "Someday" Conversation: Dedicate a date night to talking about your dreams. Ask each other: "If money and time were no object, what would we do in the next five years?"
Start Small: A shared dream doesn’t have to be a trip around the world. It could be planning a garden for next spring, learning to make the perfect pasta together, or saving up for a new piece of furniture. The size of the dream is less important than the fact that you are dreaming it together.
Take the First Step: The most powerful part of this ritual is taking a small, tangible first step towards a new dream. Book the tickets, buy the seeds, or sign up for the class. This makes the dream feel real and exciting.
2. Express Appreciation and Admiration (Out Loud)
The Vibe: This may sound simple, but it is one of the most powerful and often-neglected practices in a long-term marriage. As familiarity grows, we can begin to take our partner's positive qualities for granted. We see them every day, so we stop noticing them. This ritual is the conscious act of fighting that tendency. It’s about actively looking for the good in your partner—their kindness, their humour, their strength, their intelligence—and then, crucially, verbalizing it.
Why It Rekindles Romance: Feeling seen, appreciated, and admired is a fundamental human need and a cornerstone of romantic love. When you express your admiration for your partner, you are validating their character and reinforcing their best qualities. This creates a powerful positive feedback loop. Your partner feels good, you feel good for making them feel good, and the overall level of positivity and goodwill in the relationship increases. According to Dr. John Gottman, a culture of fondness and admiration is the single greatest predictor of a lasting, happy marriage. It is the "antidote to contempt" and the very immune system of your relationship. You can read more about his research on his official blog.
How to Implement It:
Catch Them Being Awesome: Make it a daily practice to notice at least one thing you admire about your partner's actions or character.
Be Specific: Vague compliments are nice, but specific ones are powerful. Instead of "You're a great dad," try "I was so impressed with how patiently you explained that to our son. You're such a wonderful teacher for him."
Share Your Admiration Publicly: When you're with friends or family, find an opportunity to praise your partner. This is an incredibly powerful affirmation of your respect for them.
The "Appreciation Jar": Keep a jar and some small notes handy. Throughout the week, write down things you appreciate about your partner and put them in the jar. Read them out loud to each other at the end of the week. This is a beautiful ritual that can become a cherished part of your life, a theme we explore in our article on 11 Cozy Self-Love Practices.
1. Prioritize Emotional Intimacy Above All Else
(Image: A serene, intimate shot of a couple in a quiet, comfortable embrace, looking at peace and connected.)
The Vibe: At the very top of our list, the single most essential root for rekindling and sustaining romance is emotional intimacy. This is the foundation upon which all other forms of connection are built. Emotional intimacy is the feeling of being completely safe, seen, and accepted for who you truly are, flaws and all. It is the freedom to be vulnerable without fear of judgment, to share your deepest fears and your wildest dreams, knowing that your partner is your steadfast safe harbour. It is the profound and quiet knowledge that you are truly known and truly loved.
Why It Rekindles Romance: Emotional intimacy is the very engine of romantic and physical desire in a long-term relationship. While physical attraction might initiate a relationship, it is emotional intimacy that sustains it. When you feel emotionally disconnected, distant, or unsafe with your partner, the desire for physical intimacy naturally wanes. Conversely, when you feel deeply connected, understood, and emotionally safe, the desire for physical closeness and romance flourishes. Rekindling romance is not about starting with grand gestures; it is about starting with the quiet, courageous work of rebuilding a deep emotional bond. All the other practices on this list are, in essence, tools for building this one crucial foundation. For resources on building emotional intimacy, you can explore the work of renowned therapist and author Brené Brown, whose research on vulnerability is a cornerstone of this topic.
How to Implement It:
Practice Vulnerability: This requires courage. It means sharing something that feels a little scary to share—a fear, an insecurity, a dream. This invites your partner to do the same.
Create a Safe Space for Feelings: When your partner is vulnerable with you, your only job is to listen with empathy and without judgment. Do not try to fix their feelings or tell them they shouldn't feel that way. A simple "Thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really hard" is the most powerful response.
The Daily Check-In: Make the question "How are you, really?" a daily ritual. And when you ask it, be prepared to truly listen to the answer.
Seek to Understand, Not to Agree: The goal of emotional intimacy is not to always agree, but to always strive to understand each other's perspective. The journey to this deep understanding is a core part of a successful life partnership, a theme we often discuss on That Love Podcast. For those looking for tools to facilitate these conversations, you can find a variety of couples' journals, and conversation starter card decks on platforms like Amazon.
Conclusion
Rekindling romance in a long-term marriage is not about a magical, one-time fix. It is a gentle, ongoing process of turning back towards each other with intention, curiosity, and a renewed commitment to nurturing your connection. It’s about clearing away the dust of daily routine to rediscover the vibrant, loving partnership that lies beneath. The ten practices outlined in this guide are your toolkit, a collection of actionable strategies to help you rebuild intimacy, rediscover joy, and remember why you chose each other in the first place.
The journey may require effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to step outside of your comfort zone, but the reward is immeasurable: a relationship that is not just lasting, but is alive with passion, deep friendship, and a love that continues to grow and evolve. Your love story is not over; you are simply ready to write the next beautiful chapter.
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
We feel more like roommates than lovers. Where is the best place to start? Start with Root #10 (The "First Date" Role Play) and Root #6 (Re-introduce Flirtatious Communication). These are lower-pressure, more playful ways to break out of the roommate dynamic and re-introduce the language of romance and attraction.
What if my partner isn't interested in trying these things? This is a common challenge. Start by approaching them with an "I" statement: "I've been missing our romantic connection, and I'd love for us to try something fun together to reconnect. Would you be open to it?" Start with the least intimidating, most fun-sounding activity. You can't force them, but you can invite them.
How long does it take to see a difference in our relationship? Some practices, like expressing appreciation or a surprise date, can create an immediate positive shift. Deeper changes, especially in communication and emotional intimacy, are a cumulative process. The key is consistency.
We're so busy with kids and work. How do we find the time? Focus on "quality over quantity." A 15-minute, phone-free, intentional conversation every evening can be more powerful than a rushed, expensive date night once a month. Schedule these small moments like you would any other important appointment.
Is a lack of romance a sign that we're headed for divorce? Not necessarily. A cooling-off period is a normal phase in almost every long-term relationship. It only becomes a serious problem if it is ignored and leads to deep emotional disconnection and resentment. The desire to rekindle the romance is a very hopeful sign.
What if we try these things and it feels awkward? Embrace the awkwardness! It's a sign that you are trying something new and stepping out of your comfort zone. Laugh about it together. The shared vulnerability of feeling a little silly can actually be a bonding experience.
How do we get our sex life back on track? Start by focusing on emotional and non-sexual physical intimacy first. When you feel safer and more connected emotionally (Root #1 and Root #9), the desire for sexual intimacy often follows more naturally. Open, non-judgmental communication about your desires and fears is also crucial.
Can we rekindle romance if there has been a major breach of trust? Rekindling romance after a significant betrayal, like an affair, is a much more complex process that almost always requires the help of a professional couples therapist to rebuild the foundation of trust before romance can be addressed.
What's the difference between "romance" and "intimacy"? They are related but different. "Intimacy" is the deep sense of closeness, safety, and understanding (emotional intimacy) and connection (physical intimacy). "Romance" often refers to the more expressive, demonstrative, and passionate gestures that build on and celebrate that intimacy.
Where can we find more tools to help us reconnect? Couples counseling is a fantastic resource. Additionally, there are many great books on the topic, as well as conversation starter card decks for couples, which are designed to facilitate deeper, more meaningful conversations. You can find a wide variety of these tools on platforms like Amazon.
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